Parenting Struggles

I am so behind on posts.....since school started back up, my 3 main goals each day are:  1.  Spend time being a mommy and wife, not just a teacher; 2.  exercise=find ME time; 3.  just keep up with the routine of getting everyone ready, lunch packed, house picked up, kids dropped off/picked up, dog fed, dinner made, etc.  Blogging hasn't really made the cut lately!

That first one, spend time being a mommy, has been a struggle.  Not just since school started, but for the past several months, I've had a pretty constant negative attitude toward my kids.  Sure, there were good days, but way too many bad days that didn't have to be. If the kids wouldn't listen to me or they'd start fighting with one another, I'd feel myself boiling until I boiled over with anger and resentment toward them.  How dare they not listen to me when I've given up everything for them? I can't go to the park and run because there's no one to watch the kids...poor me.   I can't _________ because of the kids...poor me.

But you know what the funny thing is....if you were to ask me in the last couple of years what my #1 goal as a parent is, I would say that it is for them to grow up with a heart for Jesus, a fear of God, happiness in their hearts, and to know that Tony and I love them and enjoy them.

Ha!  How's that for contradictory?

However, here's what I've decided (not that I can excuse myself for being so negative)....because I intimately wanted this for my children so badly, that's where Satan attacked me most....with my kids and my attitude toward them.  And honestly, I was just letting him win.

Let me back up a little bit and tell you that I was a HORRIBLE teenager.  I went to church, got saved at youth camp, went on two missions trips to Russia, but the only thing I feared was my mother and the only thing I had a heart for was rebelling against her and getting away with it.  Sure, a lot of teenagers go through that....but in my heart, I don't believe it has to be that way.  Before I even had kids, I knew I wanted to "shepherd" my children in a different way if possible.  But, then, WHAM....what did I do?  Instead of modeling love, mercy, and grace, I found myself screaming at them over the smallest things.  I was teaching them to fear me, maybe, but I was not teaching them anything about their gracious, merciful, and loving God.  

So, finally, I hit a breaking point (way too many "craigslist days" as Jenn Hambrick says) and decided to read Shepherding a Child's Heart.  It was just what I needed!  I told Tony that sometimes I would stop reading and say, "oh, crap" because something I read made me feel like I had totally screwed up as a parent in the last few months.  But the great thing is that we can always move forward in the right direction.  I've been working on my attitude toward them and how I react to situations that require discipline.

 Do I still have "craigslist days" with my kids?  Absolutely.

But then there are moments when I overhear Riley saying to her brother in another room, "I'm sorry I yelled at you, Braylen.  I shouldn't have done that."  Or those moments when they just have to give each other kisses before bedtime.  Or those sweet "family dates" to get ice cream at the lake.  Or letting them stay up late on a school night and the four of us snuggle up, eat cookies, and watch "one more Dora."  Or saying "yes" to one of their requests that we would have previously said "no."  Or picking them up from school when I get off work and taking them "wherever they want to go." 

And my heart fills with joy at the blessing of raising these two children and it fills me with a promise that I can shepherd their hearts if I let myself rely on Him to get me through this parenting journey.

reading a book on my Nook